My jokes

I always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. But then I was born.

But in my defense, I was young then, and I had a womb without a view.

I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!

Me: Hey, Mom? Why do we celebrate birthdays?

Mom: Because that's the day a new life was born, and people are born every day so every day is a special day.

My thoughts: And my friend wonders why I have depression...

Whoever is deleting my messages, comment and say why!

Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?

A. Nothing, they both die at ten.

Dad: What do you call a crazy creeper?

Mom: Shit, I don't know...

Kid: Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Dad: That's my boy's!!!

I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.

I slit my wrists.

Wee dyslexic boy and girl in class.

Wee boy says, "Can you smell gas?"

Wee girl replies, "I canny even smell my name!"

My favorite instrument? The TromBONE, of course.

I rub lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.

My favorite meme is, "N_gga."

My grandpa was a great pilot, but he died on September 11, 2001.

Random words in my keyboard:

The most annoying part of this game has always been that the players don’t know how much time it takes to get to the table before you start playing them.

What makes you guys high?

I get high when I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.

My dad is unlucky.

What happened when a kid bullied an orphan?

The orphan said, "I’m going to tell my mom!"

Bully: "I wanna see your mom!"

Narrator: At that moment, he knew he messed up.

This was my friend's joke he wanted me to post;)

I still can’t forget that tiny little dead fish in my blue lunchbox.

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

My child is ungrateful. I got him a bike for Christmas and he didn't say thank you. No, he said, "Dad, I don't have any legs!"