My jokes

When I was doing ju jitsu at my neighbor's cat, I accidentally created a whirlpool and then ate a mango mustard bar.

My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"

My bully. 😭

A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.

The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"

"What happened?" said the manager.

"A civil war."

My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.

What is harder than steel?

My cousin at the family reunion.

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.

One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."

"How many men does your wife have?"

What's the difference between my father and acne?

Acne waited for me to be a teenager before coming on my face.

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

My AI assistant told me it wanted to go deeper...

...into the algorithm. I misunderstood. Now I’m banned from the lab.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead.

I’m such a fool.

Why did I fall for you?

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.

Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

I was literally cradlesnatched as a child.

Yeah, in the arms of an older woman experiencing my first rounds of motorboating.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.