My jokes

When I was doing ju jitsu at my neighbor's cat, I accidentally created a whirlpool and then ate a mango mustard bar.

They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!

I hate "the woke" so much, I got mad when my mom said I "woke" up late for school.

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.

I watched a movie with a lot of ketchup on the ground.

I don't know why my friends look disgusted.

My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.

I hung something else instead.

My bully to his mom after getting "cooked" by me: "Mama, I can't find my hairline!"

My bully. 😭

Back the halls with gasoline, la la la la la.

Light a match and watch it gleam, la la la la la.

My school is burnt into ashes, fa la la la la, la la la la.

A manager asked a black employee to work overtime. The employee initially agreed until he was told it would be without pay.

The employee responded with, "You know what happened last time my family worked for free?"

"What happened?" said the manager.

"A civil war."

A house has a crack. A guy covers it with Plaster of Paris.\n\nHouse: "Where the heck am I supposed to do my shit now?"

What is harder than steel?

My cousin at the family reunion.

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

My friend was playing a game and said he was fighting cultists, so I said Kanye's fanbase.

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.

Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.

Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.

Husband: The second we entered the beach,

Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Sometimes I wish my grass was depressed, then it would just cut itself.

If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.