My jokes

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

While I was waiting for your mum to waddle past, I missed a whole season of my TV show!

My bad, but you stink so bad you passed by a trashcan and it yelled, "Wow! I didn't know I had family!"

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

HELP! I MIGHT BE A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST BECAUSE MY RHYMES ARE DA BOMB.

Hairline is so far up, Patrick Mahomes can't even sell to a wide receiver.

Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"

Why could you not see the guy in my dark closet?

The guy was black.

My grandma's got 99 problems, but a fat butt ain't one of 'em.

When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.

Silly joke! Where’s my natcho? You have it :excuse me it’s nacho cheese 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

Mom: Do I look fat in my dress?

Child: Nah... you look fat in every dress!

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.

I told my emo girlfriend, "Do you like the lights?" Oh wait, she ain't got any.