My jokes

Me and my life.

MY NAME IS JEFFFFFFFF!

My diet:

Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...

I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.

The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

Ever had a migraine? Yeah, sorry that’s my fault. Couple years ago, all my grains got loose.

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.

Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.

AKA, you're up for adoption.

One day I told a kid what 2 x 12 was. He said he didn't know. I said let's go to my basement and figure it out. He is still in my basement trying to do the equation.

Your mom said my cum tastes like Captain Crunch, bitch.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

My wife is so fat. After sex, I rolled over twice. I was still on top of the bitch!

My friend jokingly confessed to me she did prostitution (consensual).

She wasn't joking. :0

We are 15....

My friend said, “there shouldn’t be discrimination, just black and normal.”

That was also the same guy who said [link to joke].

My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!

Mom: Don't forget to unload the dishwasher.

Mom: Did you finish your homework?

Mom: We are going to your grandmother's house for Thanksgiving.

Mom: Dad and I talked. We are getting a new car next month.

Son: You are?? Oh my gosh, thank you!

Mom: No, I was just making sure you were getting my texts.

Son: That was cruel!