Little off topic but...
Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.
Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.
Mum: Fair point.
My Jokes
My friend was playing a game and said he was fighting cultists, so I said Kanye's fanbase.
If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.
Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?
What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.
P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.
My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.
It was really heavy on me.
While I was waiting for your mum to waddle past, I missed a whole season of my TV show!
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.
HELP! I MIGHT BE A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST BECAUSE MY RHYMES ARE DA BOMB.
Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"
Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.
Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.
Husband: The second we entered the beach,
Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Sometimes I wish my grass was depressed, then it would just cut itself.
Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.
The only thing colder than Siberia is my girlfriend's ex!
Hairline is so far up, Patrick Mahomes can't even sell to a wide receiver.
Why could you not see the guy in my dark closet?
The guy was black.
Say my name if you like "Breaking Bad."
I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.
I pulled a prank on my friend the other day. I painted a portrait of the backrooms blueprints while he was sleeping. Still had some extra space.
I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.
