My jokes
The shark bit me and I feet red down my legs.
"You’re the milk to my cookies."
I heard that Uranus is pronounced "yuuranus," but it reminded me of urine! 😆
Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.
My friend said, "Where is the trash?" I said, "Look in the mirror, there is the trash."
I did this to my ex. I stole her wheelchair. I knew she would come crawling back.
I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
I think someone must've poached it.
Three men walk into a bar. The 1st says, "Hey, how's it going?" The 2nd one says, "Great!" But then the 3rd man says, "Hello, where did my wife go? I swear she was just here!" What happened to the 3rd guy's wife?
It's so cold, I mist bring my jacket.
What do you call two emos in a chemistry lab?
My Chemical Romance.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”
My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?
I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.
We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.
"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"
Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.
My girlfriend didn't bring me the sandwich, so I brought the gas.
Anonymous 1: Why are you crying?
Anonymous 2: No, buddy, come to my finral.
I didn't steal it. 🌚
Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?
His internet connection ran out.
What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?
My Chemical Romance.
Why is Daisy afraid of candles?
Watch my videos and find out!!! 🤸♀️🕯📷💰😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
I named my grass emo, and it cut itself.