My jokes

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

My friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: No.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because you are a joke.

Friend: Your life is too...

Me: :)

Friends :)

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

Why did my mouth say no to butt? Because that would be too much sex.

Me: What did my sister do when she dressed up as Elsa and I gave her a balloon?

You: What?

Me: She let it go, let it go!

So I got my brother a jumping castle for his birthday. That bitch cried in his wheelchair.

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

A sister went to her brother's room and says,

"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

"Yes, sis."

"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

"My pet snake."

"Can I pet it?"

"Yes."

He wakes up in a hospital.

"What happened?"

"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

"You dummy!"

"Whaaat?"

Hey y'all, you want to read something funny? Then look up "Greater Tuna" OID and read the script. It's the best. I'm performing it for an OID (Oral Interpretation of Drama) and it kicks ass. Check it out. Also, the name I'm using is my Roblox Username. Friend me.

My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.

On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.

Asdf movie: meow meow I’m a cow.

Me to my villagers in Minecraft: chick chick my guns cocked so frick.

Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.

Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.

There was once a small earthquake, but when I got outside, I realized my brother was still stuck inside. When I told my mom, she just said, "It doesn't matter, you're my favorite anyway!"

My grandpa was in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

My family was like dinosaurs when they got COVID.

They both went extinct.

I walk into my driveway. Stephen Hawking is on my roof.

Oh wait, never mind, he just fell.

Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*

All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?

People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!

People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)

My builder was extending my basement when he questioned me because he found three dead kids in a corner tied together.

Yesterday I had a party in my basement.

I got questioned a lot about 5 dead kids in the corner shut in a box. I did that when I was 13, damn I forgot about them!