My jokes

Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.

Roses are red, violets are purple, lay in my bed so I can suck your nurple.

I made this game called Ligma. Say it, "Ligma."

Lick my balls.

My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

My mum said not to walk the streets because I won't find home the next day. I was an orphan.

My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

My girlfriend's name is Candice.

Can these nuts fit in your mouth? :D

I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.

So I got my brother a jumping castle for his birthday. That bitch cried in his wheelchair.

So, I was in school, and there was a number saying "696969," so I said to my mother, "What does it mean?" She said, "Your fucking dad and I!"

Hey y'all, you want to read something funny? Then look up "Greater Tuna" OID and read the script. It's the best. I'm performing it for an OID (Oral Interpretation of Drama) and it kicks ass. Check it out. Also, the name I'm using is my Roblox Username. Friend me.

On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.

Asdf movie: meow meow I’m a cow.

Me to my villagers in Minecraft: chick chick my guns cocked so frick.

My ex got hit by a bus yesterday. I nearly lost my job.

My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.

Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.

Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.

Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*

All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?

People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!

People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)

My grandpa was in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

You know I really love going to school and meeting my crush.

All I have to do is go to the Africa section.