My jokes

The smartest kid in my class says "is-land" instead of "island."

Spring is here, I got so excited, I wet my plants!

What does a pirate say to the president?? Spread your legs so I can get my treasure back.

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?

I don't have a sex slave in my basement...

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

People joking about 9/11.

Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."

Oh.

"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"

I don't joke about 9/11 because I lost my dad. He was the best pilot I ever knew.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

I looked at your hairline, and when I saw you, I thought to myself of the last time I was a baby.

My grandma just died from cancer.

My last words to her were “I like your cut, G.”

What does your dad's cock and Darryl's Savouries have in common?

I want them both in my mouth!

The only food I want to review is my wife's rear end.

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

Anybody remember 9/11? Cause I sure do, and oh boy was my father a good pilot!💥

"My parents are dead, lol," said the orphan.

A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.

The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.