My jokes

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Kris

Damn this shit!

Megan Thee Stallion: What!

Kris: My mother is a fucker!

The whole world:

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

My family was like dinosaurs when they got COVID.

They both went extinct.

I walk into my driveway. Stephen Hawking is on my roof.

Oh wait, never mind, he just fell.

A sister went to her brother's room and says,

"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

"Yes, sis."

"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

"My pet snake."

"Can I pet it?"

"Yes."

He wakes up in a hospital.

"What happened?"

"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

"You dummy!"

"Whaaat?"

My friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: No.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because you are a joke.

Friend: Your life is too...

Me: :)

Friends :)

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

Why did my mouth say no to butt? Because that would be too much sex.

My dad died in 9/11.

He was a good pilot.

My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"

My friend has a shovel made of gold. I guess you could call him a gold digger.

Your computer just went in my bathroom and took a shit because you put too much chili in the bowl.

Yesterday I had a party in my basement.

I got questioned a lot about 5 dead kids in the corner shut in a box. I did that when I was 13, damn I forgot about them!

One day I told a kid what 2 x 12 was. He said he didn't know. I said let's go to my basement and figure it out. He is still in my basement trying to do the equation.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

There is someone in my class named Henry Rocket Rueben, and he always says he rockets into my mom.

My builder was extending my basement when he questioned me because he found three dead kids in a corner tied together.

My brother went missing 5 years ago. He also supported TRUMP. He is currently dead in my basement in a chest in a cupboard.