My jokes

My brother went missing 5 years ago. He also supported TRUMP. He is currently dead in my basement in a chest in a cupboard.

One day I told a kid what 2 x 12 was. He said he didn't know. I said let's go to my basement and figure it out. He is still in my basement trying to do the equation.

My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

There is someone in my class named Henry Rocket Rueben, and he always says he rockets into my mom.

Your computer just went in my bathroom and took a shit because you put too much chili in the bowl.

My friend has a shovel made of gold. I guess you could call him a gold digger.

So, I was in school, and there was a number saying "696969," so I said to my mother, "What does it mean?" She said, "Your fucking dad and I!"

I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

So, I walked up to my grandma and I said, "What color would you be on a rainbow cupcake?" She just turned 61, ok, ok. So I'm like, "I got it, I got it, ok, ok." She's like: "Ok, what color?" I say: "Grey."

I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday.

God being a sniper is so fun!

I've been taking Viagras for sunburn.

It keeps the sheets off my bed at night!

Uranus caught a 3-meter flatty while surfing. Check the tail still kicking. Deadly, my bruz!

I drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was... Oh, CRAP!!!

I posted on my Facebook account that you have a picture on Facebook.

Hi, this is Chloe, and I am about to tell you about my joke.

Why did the cow cross the road? Because to get to the other side.

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.