My jokes

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

Everybody loves "appreciation." So that's what I named my dick.

I would tell you a story of my dad... If I knew who he was.

Sean's hairline recedes faster than my grades.

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

My junk was in the book of world records until I got kicked out of the library.

Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"

Also me: "Throw it."

Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.

AKA, you're up for adoption.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

MY NAME IS JEFFFFFFFF!

My diet:

Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...

The two biggest dyslexic guy lies: "My check is in your mouth," and "I won't come in your mailbox."

I called my dog 5 miles.

Today, I fawn over my miles.

The other day someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.

I'll remember my last words... "Sorry, I'm not sorry!"

"Hay, can you help me to her on..." No, that is gross. I meant my car.

Want to hear a joke?

My life. Get it?

I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.