My jokes

I'll remember my last words... "Sorry, I'm not sorry!"

I would tell you a story of my dad... If I knew who he was.

Sean's hairline recedes faster than my grades.

When I try to call my friend, I can't get through because my name is Lin Kon, and the operator keeps saying, "Yes, Mr. President."

My sister said I'm stupid today, and she's the one who wrote this.

I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday.

God being a sniper is so fun!

My junk was in the book of world records until I got kicked out of the library.

Hi! I love that you love a good time of my day.

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

So, I walked up to my grandma and I said, "What color would you be on a rainbow cupcake?" She just turned 61, ok, ok. So I'm like, "I got it, I got it, ok, ok." She's like: "Ok, what color?" I say: "Grey."

I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

Me and my life.

I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.

I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

Ever had a migraine? Yeah, sorry that’s my fault. Couple years ago, all my grains got loose.

The baby water bottle said to the mommy water bottle, "Mommy, I lost my teddy bear." The mommy water bottle said, "Why don't you RECAP on what you said?"