My jokes

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

No joke. I just want to say that my thoughts are with the Ukrainian people, and I wish them the best. Best of luck.

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

My stepsister is a big titty goth. Should I tap that?

Dear Orphans,

I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)

Ayo, the pizza here... OH NlGGA! AHHHHH!... Augh, my ears burn!

I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD

I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.

I needn't have bothered.

The next day, it was smeared all over my face.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

Cancer doesn't leave.

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password.

Me: Sorry mate, it's so short, get a longer one! 🤣

What is black and white and red all over?

Answer: A newspaper.

That is what my 3-year-old told me.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

I cried when my dad cut onions.

Onions was a good dog.

When younger girls say, "I want my period, or it will not be bad."

*eating chocolate in bed crying* My face at them when they say that. 🤣🙄😵

Them: "I got my period." *them hurting*. Me: "Told ya."

A morbid joke would be what's going on in my mind.