My jokes

This isn’t much of a joke, but here's a pickup line. Are you a marshmallow? Because I wanna put my stick in you.

I cried when my mom started to cut up onions... onions was a good dog.

I raped a girl and I liked it.

I hope my girlfriend won't mind it.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right.

Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

Yo mama so fat she got married by 20 men, but they think there's only one side of her! I tried making one of my own.

An Emo kid in a tree falls. At the same time an apple falls from the same tree, what hits the ground first? The apple would be due to the kid's rope and noose.

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

What grade does Sherlock hit on girls from?

Elementary, my dear Watson!

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

My friend broke his tie. That's a tie breaker.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

My sis said only garlic and onions can make you cry.

So I threw an orange at her.