My jokes

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.

Everyone at the barbecue...

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

My sister thinks she's so smart and funny. The only thing that is funny is her face.

My stepsister is a big titty goth. Should I tap that?

What is black and white and red all over?

Answer: A newspaper.

That is what my 3-year-old told me.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

Cancer doesn't leave.

I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password.

Me: Sorry mate, it's so short, get a longer one! 🤣

When younger girls say, "I want my period, or it will not be bad."

*eating chocolate in bed crying* My face at them when they say that. 🤣🙄😵

Them: "I got my period." *them hurting*. Me: "Told ya."

I cried when my dad cut onions.

Onions was a good dog.

A morbid joke would be what's going on in my mind.

I love to have sex. And my name is Lex. Which one should I be with next? I really hate my ex. I just saw a huge T Rex, And I think you probably saw this text.

Welcome for the rhyme.

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?

What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?

Nothing, they both stain.

My ill sis said, "Why did the bear say no to ice cream?" and I said, "Why?" She said, "'Cuz it's stuffed!"

Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.

Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!

Rachel: Alright!

On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.

Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!

Okay, One time I there was my dog. But then the dog, it fell.

Then I f**ked my dog hard in the a**.