My jokes

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

My dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

My girlfriend used to give the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was Spanish for blowjob.

What's the difference between me and my mate...

I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

Lily, Amy, Natalie, and Gabriella, it's my birthday tomorrow. Please come if you want to come. If you come to the party, there will be snacks and cake. Ty.