My jokes

So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"

I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"

She replied, "Two or three."

Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

I thought happiness started with an “H.” Why does my happiness start with “U”?

When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

What did the pelican say when he finished shopping?

"Put it in my bill."

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

My grandpa and your hairline go way back.

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

My uncle sayEd to me once, "You're my favorite child." And I said, "You mean Nece?" He said, "No, my favorite child."

What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"

When my mom said you have to listen to classical music at my new school, I had to listen to it twenty-four seven. After that, I sang the song [with] the wrong melody for my music teacher 😎

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.