My jokes

My jacket tore a little bit. It's a ripper.

She’s so therapeutic.

When I need to cure my restlessness, I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your mom's breastestess!

What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?

Santa got the milk.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.

What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?

"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

My dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, he said nothing.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.