My jokes

I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

I was spending my holiday in Paris with my gf. As we were walking near the city, a meteor hit and killed my gf.

Forensics did an autopsy on the corpse and concluded that someone missed a pen and hit my gf from the PSG training ground. SHAME ON YOU PESSI FOR RUINING MY LIFE! 🤬😡

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.

My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

3 year old boy: 1... 2...uh....?

Older brother: Ooh I know! 1, 2, 3 get the fuck off my apple tree!

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.

The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"

The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"

I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.

I read to deaf kids in my spare time.

What were my great grandpa's last words?

"SHIT MG42!!!"

What did the pelican say when he finished shopping?

"Put it in my bill."

My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"

She replied, "Two or three."

Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

I thought happiness started with an “H.” Why does my happiness start with “U”?

When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

My grandpa and your hairline go way back.

I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.