My jokes
What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!
What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?
"Stop staring at my nuts."
I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.
Your mama is so fat, when I think of her in my head, she just broke my neck.
I have a picture of Uranus on my computer.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.
In my basement.
I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.
They never got together at all.
Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.
Little boy: Momma?
Mom: Yes, my dear.
Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.
Mom: Why!?
Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.
What’s the favorite song of someone with an Oedipus Complex?
“My Mommy Comes Back”
I bought my son a trampoline. That little a**hole stayed in his wheelchair the whole day.
Who wants to buy my new NFT?
One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.
She asked me, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."
Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.
I had to go to my friend's house.
I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???
My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.
(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)
This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.
"Jesus is the pioneer of Hollywood. He's still famous and my favorite idol."