My jokes
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:
Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!
No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.
3 year old boy: 1... 2...uh....?
Older brother: Ooh I know! 1, 2, 3 get the fuck off my apple tree!
So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.
Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.
Thank you, nurse!
Memes
I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"
She replied, "Two or three."
Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.
"I'm the big man, catching the kids in my big van." - Ben 2021
So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.
The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"
The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
I thought happiness started with an “H.” Why does my happiness start with “U”?
When I found out that my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
What did the pelican say when he finished shopping?
"Put it in my bill."
My grandfather said that I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and cut him off life support.
I read to deaf kids in my spare time.
What were my great grandpa's last words?
"SHIT MG42!!!"
My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."
A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.
I don't know, my friend did it.
I tried my best using phone sex online, but the thing about it is the holes cannot fit through.
My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔
Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.