My Jokes

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

What's the difference between a knife and my life?

A knife has a point.

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

My mom:what movie do u want to see. Me:uhhh-

A black and white movie poster of a bear, with white powder surrounding it. The movie title "Cocaine Bear" is written in red letters. Below the title it says, "Get in line February 24."

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡

My arms are just a different texture pack compared to my body.

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.

Damn, I love being a sniper.

I asked my North Korean friend, "what's it like to live in North Korea?" He responded, "can't complain."

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

Why doesn't my egg want to crack?

Because I hate my egg-sistence.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”