My jokes

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

What's the difference between a knife and my life?

A knife has a point.

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡

My arms are just a different texture pack compared to my body.

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.

Damn, I love being a sniper.

How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?

Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?

They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

Why doesn't my egg want to crack?

Because I hate my egg-sistence.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.