My jokes

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.

When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."

The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"No, I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"

"Round the corner picking up shit."

Roses are red.

My soul is black.

I am never getting my dad back.

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?

They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

What's the difference between a knife and my life?

A knife has a point.

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?

Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

My arms are just a different texture pack compared to my body.

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

Why doesn't my egg want to crack?

Because I hate my egg-sistence.

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.