My jokes

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha

A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."

The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"

The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."

Gary Glitter was imprisoned for inappropriate relations with preteens. Not to be outdone, Kelly Clarkson exclaimed, "Hold my Bud Light!" whilst grasping her 1-year-old daughter.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

My fish can break dance. Only for 20 seconds and only once.

If you don't like my suicidal jokes, sorry man, didn't know it cut that deep.

I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏

I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡

Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

What's the difference between a knife and my life?

A knife has a point.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."

Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."

Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."

Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"