I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. -- What a waste of thyme.
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So I was being robbed and this guy had the gun to my head to i told him he was holding it backwards.
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Teacher: People with Depression never get anywhere in life. Student 1: My mom has depression, but she died. Student 2: My sister has depression and she's going to Therapy. Student 3: My Dad Has depression, and he's Doing REALLY Well
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My grandfather said we rely on technology too much so I unplugged his life support. Luckily I remember his last words . "You little bastard!"
Me: hey do you want to see my grandma. Friend: yeah sure Me: *pulls out gun*
The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.
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In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle dave...
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man do I love being a sniper.
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand. He said, But Dad I'm blind. Exactly
Roses are red My soul is black I am never getting My dad back
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas. "I don't understand it, Doc", she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas". "Thankfully", she added, "they are at least silent when I fart". Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him. The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled. The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
What's the difference between a knife and my life? A knife has a point
my suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks
Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonalds.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says "my brother has just been hit by a car." The policeman replied with "OK then first I need to know your name." "Shut up" "No, I need to know your name." "Shut up." "Excuse me but where are your manners." "Round the corner picking up shit."
