My jokes

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.

Roses are red, I am Groot, Honey, where's my super suit?

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

My life is such an udder disappointment. What an udder failure!

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

Twin Towers are like my parents: 2 left and 1 came back.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

My hairline may be straight, but I’m not.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Why don't I poop Windex? Because I Pledge to do my doodie!

Put some Windex on it.

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

"-JuicyFruitSnacks- A whole lot of pepper and a whole lot of salt. If I blame it on my friends, it won't be my fault."

-Mully- This is my mom left!!

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

I laughed at my life so hard.

Boosterthon asks to raise up to $35,000.

I donate $35,000. I ask, "What's my prize?" Boosterthon worker says, "Here's a headband." Me: "I donated the goal, so is that it?" Boosterthon worker: "No, it's $35,000 per person." I pass out. Boosterthon worker goes back to work like it is a regular day.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!