My jokes

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot for Pakistan.

My grandma's got 99 problems, but a fat butt ain't one of 'em.

Do nut get in my way.

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

My friend walked down the street and peed on a car.

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

I wrote a few jokes:

What does a 15-year-old boy do without two hands when his parents are not at home? Well, obviously do not jerk off.

Yesterday a girl from my job invited me to her home and there I had crazy sex. I could not think that her mother is so hot.

What will happen the morning after the destruction of humanity? Duncan MacLeod makes himself breakfast.

I woke up when I heard a strange noise coming from my kitchen.

I turned on the light, and I saw none other than the exposed flop GHOSTNALDO. He asked me if I had PenalTEA, his favorite drink. I said no and yelled, "There is a big game tomorrow!" and he disappeared.

I wish my grass was emo, it would cut itself.

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

There's a girl I like in my school, but she's always on her phone. It seems that I can't get a SIGNAL from her.

I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Are you a rope? Cause I'm tryna put you around my neck 😏

Things you say before sex, Disney addition:

"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"

"OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!"

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.