My Jokes

Tomorrow is Christmas and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (yes this was inspired by a Fallout boy song)

Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down

I liked my life when I first got it.....later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

My mom told me that drugs are my enemes..........But jesus said to love my enemies

My father said I'm to reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support

I’ll never forget my brother’s last words: “Why is there a revolver in your hand?”

my friend was on wheelchair......he committed suicide yesterday, I remember when i met him last time he told us a good joke and i appreciated him and i told him to become stand up comedian.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says "What should their names be?" The uncle replies "Well for your daughter, Denise" "That's a nice name" comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies "Denephew".

A 10y.o. : I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7. A 10y.o. week later: Damn... my life is shitty...

<2y. later> 12y.o. : What is de-pre-ssion? *googles it*

Now 14y.o. : Oh...

knock knock who's there? depression.. that's my best friend.

you know what me and my spine both have in common we are both not straight

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby i have in my basement. Jesus died a virgin

-the emo went 2 give the tree a high 5 but the emo was left hanging - how did the gay person die? homocide -why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? he was cutting in line - when does a joke turn into a dad joke? when it leaves and never comes back -I cried when my dad chopped onions. onions was such a good dog -I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away -how is the person over there different the cancer? his dad didn't beat cancer

I hope u like this it took 5 minutes to make. what's_up also has good jokes to favorite him/her/them plz

So little johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!

If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?

Little johnny smiled and said: A bus driver!

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.