My Jokes

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend.

She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.

My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.

She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

Do you know Imagine Dragons?

Yeah.

Imagine dragon my nuts across your face.

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.

My dad posted a picture of his condom challenge fail to his social media - it was a picture of me.

I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

My mom told me that drugs are my enemies... But Jesus said to love my enemies.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.