My jokes

Yo mama is so fat, that when I unfollowed her on Instagram, my phone got 1 GB of storage.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

Website: Submit a joke :-)

Me: My life.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.

She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.

Dentist: Open up, sir.

Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

Dentist: Do you need help??

Me: Yep.

Dentist: ...

Me: ....

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.

My day started out great until I woke up.

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."

A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."

<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*

Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."

My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.

The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."

Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."

Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."

Do you know Imagine Dragons?

Yeah.

Imagine dragon my nuts across your face.