My jokes
I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.
She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.
Website: Submit a joke :-)
Me: My life.
I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.
Dentist: Open up, sir.
Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.
Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.
Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.
Dentist: Do you need help??
Me: Yep.
Dentist: ...
Me: ....
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.
My day started out great until I woke up.
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?
Ohhh, an owner.
Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.
My father said I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."
A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."
<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*
Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."
Do you know Imagine Dragons?
Yeah.
Imagine dragon my nuts across your face.
The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"