My jokes

Dentist: Open up, sir.

Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

Dentist: Do you need help??

Me: Yep.

Dentist: ...

Me: ....

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

My day started out great until I woke up.

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."

A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."

<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*

Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."

I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.

My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.

She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.

Do you know Imagine Dragons?

Yeah.

Imagine dragon my nuts across your face.

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.