My jokes

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.

My day started out great until I woke up.

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.

My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day... only cause I wanted my first time to be special.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.

She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.

Do you know Imagine Dragons?

Yeah.

Imagine dragon my nuts across your face.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."