What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
My Jokes
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Pennywise: "They all float down here!"
Titanic: *hold my beer*
People in 1912: "Titanic is unstoppable, even God couldn't sink this ship."
God: "Bet, where are my icebergs?"
I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.
My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
Guys, my sister's pregnant!
I'm finally a dad!
Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.
In my mother's generation, they grew up with Wonder Woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she's a woman.
