My jokes

Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.

Guy: Where are they then?

Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].

My sister said I was only allowed to grate cheese, so I said to her that I’d prove her wrong.

The next day my mum asked me why my cheese was tan, and I said it was my own special recipe. My mum loved the cheese but she didn’t like it much after the funeral.

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?

The pizza guy shows up when you call him.

My daughter is super smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.

My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mom." "Your mom who?" "It's not your mom, it's my mom!"

Dick in my mouth.

Can someone be my daddy?

I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

Jack is a ugly meany who’s not going to my birthday!

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

I barged into a Halloween party at my school with my air-soft AR-15!

I was so scary, EVERYONE ran away!

I used to think all Americans were racist.

Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.