My Jokes

pepole in 1912: titanic is unstopable even god coudlnt sink this ship. god: bet where is my icebergs

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home there were signs everywhere

Technically suicide is murder and murder is ilegal so if I kill myself my body should go to jail

My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree? You untie the rope.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horse and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

Guys my sisters pregnant!

Im finally a dad!

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say "You're next". So I started poking them at funerals and saying "You're next" to my friends.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

I was crying at school telling my friends my grandpa died, And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were "Are you still holding the ladder?"