My jokes
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
Why doesn't my egg want to crack?
Because I hate my egg-sistence.
The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.
I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."
JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Pennywise: "They all float down here!"
Titanic: *hold my beer*
My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.
In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...
Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)
AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.