My jokes

My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

Guys, my sister's pregnant!

I'm finally a dad!

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Pennywise: "They all float down here!"

Titanic: *hold my beer*

People in 1912: "Titanic is unstoppable, even God couldn't sink this ship."

God: "Bet, where are my icebergs?"

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.