My jokes

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>

I wanted to play Fruit Ninja, but remembered I don’t have a phone. Guess I gotta draw fruit on my arm!

What has 4 legs and two gloves?

All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️

My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.

We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

I was digging outside and I found my child's old toy, so I ran to find him, but I could not find him, so I was searching for about 6 hours, but then I remembered why I was digging......

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

Not my problem.

Beans for centuries have been called "false friends," because they have a tendency to talk behind one's back. If you get my drift. 🤣

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

I'll never forget my grampa's last words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"