My jokes

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

Who is my favorite underground rapper?

XXX Tentacion

The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.

I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your smile's warmth, Lights up my view.

Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

Is their [there] a doctor anywhere?

My mom has a few problems & those problems is [are] that my mom has big tits, fat ass & sweet pussy that needs attention. Help anyone.