My jokes

What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?

They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

"Hold my beer, watch this."

I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>

I wanted to play Fruit Ninja, but remembered I don’t have a phone. Guess I gotta draw fruit on my arm!

What has 4 legs and two gloves?

All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️

My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.

We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

Not my problem.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.