My jokes

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.