My jokes

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

I was digging outside and I found my child's old toy, so I ran to find him, but I could not find him, so I was searching for about 6 hours, but then I remembered why I was digging......

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

I'll never forget my grampa's last words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

My name is Shelly Bobby... I don't know my last name.

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When you ask an orphan to come over:

Kid: "Do you want to come over to my house?"

Orphan: "Yeah, sure."

Kid: "Ok, ask your parents—oh wait."