My jokes

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

My dad went to school saying dad jokes. I was embarrassed and I cried with a-dult cry.

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

"Don't sneeze!"

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.

Also,

"It dangles and swung!"

Language art quizzes are the best.

Stormtrooper: What should I do with this guide for my test?

Palpatine: Review it.

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

My family.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.

Hey Autocorrect- STOP TAMPERING WITH MY CURSE WORDS YOU MOTHERDUCKING FORKLIFT!

I have fun with my friends.

While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

I love my dog and all dogs.

Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.

Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the fridge.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"