My jokes

Dryer

My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.

Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95

Mom

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

Girlfriend

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

Helmet

I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!

Bank

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Memes

My memes

Ladder

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Fridge

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

Father

My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.

Twin Towers

Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.

Party

Organise my brother's bucks party and got confused when he asked for a hot 22 year old for I brought him 20 two yr Olds....

Good thing my brother's a little bit different.

Twin Towers

What are three things the Twin Towers have in common with my dad? They are big, sexy, and smashed your mom.

Plane

The sexy towers are just like my sexy toes because when I crashed a plane into the tower, it burned and bled.

Smoking

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Surgeon

Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?

A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!

Robber

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>

Fruit Ninja

I wanted to play Fruit Ninja, but remembered I don’t have a phone. Guess I gotta draw fruit on my arm!