My jokes

You're so ugly when a pig saw you, he said, "Yes, my brother is back."

Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.

Friend: Why?

Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.

My grandfather said that ppl rely on technology too much these days, so I thought about what he said and decided to unplug his life support.

My teacher called me beautiful. I hate when she lies.

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

Are you acid, cause I want to throw [you] at my face?

My grandpa said this generation relies too much on tech, so I unplugged his life support.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

My friend is an amazing hacker. He cut down 23 trees already.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

Is their [there] a doctor anywhere?

My mom has a few problems & those problems is [are] that my mom has big tits, fat ass & sweet pussy that needs attention. Help anyone.