My jokes

Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"

What did the rapper say to his broken pencil?

"You're just not SHARP enough for my lyrics!"

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Who is my favorite underground rapper?

XXX Tentacion

My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.

I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.

My friend went to buy some milk, why is she not back yet?

Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"

Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"

My classmate, Hailey Legacy.

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.

Man's friend: Same.

Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.

Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.

Man: Oh great heavens!

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.

It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.

I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

Girl: Come over.

Orphan: I can’t.

Girl: My parents aren’t home.

Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.

An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.