My jokes

My sister is so short she can't walk.

My hopes and dreams.

What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?

They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>

What has 4 legs and two gloves?

All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.

My dogs pooped in my shoes? Pooper.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

"Hold my beer, watch this."

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

What's the difference between you and my dad? You come home.

I know I've changed my name from tj to selfish king but know it's gunna be selfishking#781.