My jokes

What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

Not my problem.

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

My name is Shelly Bobby... I don't know my last name.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

I'll never forget my grampa's last words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.

Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When you ask an orphan to come over:

Kid: "Do you want to come over to my house?"

Orphan: "Yeah, sure."

Kid: "Ok, ask your parents—oh wait."

What's the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage :|

I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!