My jokes

I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad?

The boomerang comes back.

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"

What do you call my friends?...

Short.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.

What did the llama say when the villagers said that he had to leave the village?

"Alpaca my bags."

Wanna see my pp again?

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

What did the barbwire say to big foot? "My name is Jeff."

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.

The tables in my class are straight, but I can’t say the same thing for your hairline.

When I get jokes. They aren't f****** restarted like you.

My sister.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.