My jokes
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”
A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.
So I could put kids inside you.
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!
And he's not even left the house yet!!!
Memes
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
What did the barbwire say to big foot? "My name is Jeff."
Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:
"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."
I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.
I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
My tower is hard, but after six minutes, it fell over.
My older sister said she was gonna shoot herself, so I did it for her.
I wish my grass was emo, it would cut itself.
I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!
My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!
For 9/11, I decided to bomb my twins.
My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
It's not nice to make 9/11 jokes. My uncle died in 9/11...
He was one of al qaeda's best pilots.