My jokes

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

What’s the difference between orphans and cars?

I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.

I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.

What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.

I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?

My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

I will never forget my grandpa's last words:

"What the fuck is in this drink?"

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

After I see an anime boy acting cool,

Me at school acting cool:

My brothers: "He's just acting cool."

Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0

I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad?

The boomerang comes back.

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"

What do you call my friends?...

Short.