My jokes

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.

What does my uncle call a school?

A strip club.

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.

Orphan: My parents!

Me: You know that word?

When I was 17, my mom’s door was always locked. I wonder what she was doing.

Ayo, the pizza here... OH NlGGA! AHHHHH!... Augh, my ears burn!

When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣

What do you call two men fucking? My dad and I. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.

Wife: "You don't even have friends!"

Today, my family visited Disneyland. When we got to the hall of fame, I was shocked to find a statue of the BielefeldMan.

The tour guide said, "That’s Lewandisney. He owns the biggest collection of Disney TAP-INS and is a Mickey Mouse clubhouse member." Well done Lewandisney!

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.

Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

To a Mexican person: When I first met you, I thought you were going to say, "My name is Enrique, I have a job for you."

What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?

One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.

Beast joke ever: my life... Oh wait, I don't have one.

Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.

David: Isn't that illegal?

Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.

David: I hate my life.