My jokes

What does my dad have in common with Nemo?

They both can’t be found.

I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.

I see a kid crying in the park, right? So I go up to him and say, "Hey, where are your parents?" and he says, "Well, my dad left to get the milk and never came back, and my mother died in a plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle."

A 14 year old girl finds out she is pregnant. Her: "Crap! My mom is going to kill me!"

The fetus: "lol same here."

So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.

My dad starts laughing at me.

Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”

Me: “Why dad?”

Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

I was an orphan as a kid, and I'm pretty sure my favorite thing was seeing parents with their kids.

I think we know why.

My wife and I’s gay marriage counselor advised us to watch porn together. So, we decided to try it out one day and search up lesbian shemale porn.

And that’s the day she found out she was a porn star.

Girl: Wanna come over to my house?

Orphan: I have to ask if my parents come home.

Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.

Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow, I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents. Your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

What’s black and white and dead all over? My Chemical Romance.

My "choco" is too "late" for lunch.

My brother wanted to sharpen my pencil. I told him he had a point.

My mom said she wanted to be a comedian when she grows up. So after she was an adult, she had kids. When they were old enough, she told them you could be whatever you want...

Dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.

I like my kids like I like my lamps.

Hung from the ceiling.

I'm so poor that when people come over to my house, I come out the window and say, "Ding Dong!"

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.