My jokes

My friend looks like a homeless, thanks for the jokes.

I'm so poor that when people come over to my house, I come out the window and say, "Ding Dong!"

Why is my dick like a balloon?

The more you blow it, the bigger it gets.

What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.

Who's a pineapple? I'm a pineapple... Yass.

Teacher and kid.

Kid: Hey, teacher.

Teacher: Yes?

Kid: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Kid: Well, I didn't do my homework!

Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!

My friends: Hi to my little friend!

Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.

I like my kids like I like my lamps.

Hung from the ceiling.

My brother told me he wanted to find a golden apple tree in real life. I told him it was a fruitless mission.

I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.

I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.

No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

What do you call an autistic My Little Pony?

Twilight Special.

A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”

Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.