My jokes

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

I used to be a baker, but I decided to quit my job and stick my dough inside WOMEN’S bakeries.

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

I raped a girl and I liked it.

I hope my girlfriend won't mind it.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right.

Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

I love you, Explain Bear. Please bear my children.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

Just give me my money (clap clap clap).

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

Q: What's red during puberty?

A: The blood on my hands.

I was going to make a depressing joke, but my parents already did.

What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?

His life insurance.

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?

"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."

What is my most popular side of myself?

Suicide.

What do my mom and a basketball have in common?

My mom's tits and ass are bouncy, just like a basketball.

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.