My jokes
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!
I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.
Plus, she's too young to smoke.
Memes
Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.
Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!
One more 360 noscope for my montage.
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.
Popular girl: Sorry I'm late.
Teacher: Why are you late!
Girl: I need my beauty sleep.
Nerd: Well, you might need to hibernate because you ain't pretty.
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"
Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"
I, for one, give President Joe Biden my full support, and anything else he can find in my previously rented gym locker. 🤣
I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
I hope Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, 'cause I need some parts for my go-cart.
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
Someone stole my balls :(
I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?
Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.
Son: Thanks, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Quarantine.
I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!