My jokes

My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.

I hope Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, 'cause I need some parts for my go-cart.

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

My brother when he sees a girl.

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

I want your cock in my rock bottom.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

Your hairline is so far back that my father couldn't even reach the store in time before it grew!

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

I wish my hair was emo so it would cut itself.