My jokes

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.

I punched my mom for no freaking reason.

To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.

One of my family members died on 9/11, he was one of the best pilots in the Middle East.

I hope Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, 'cause I need some parts for my go-cart.

Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"

Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.

I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.

Someone stole my balls :(

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

I want your cock in my rock bottom.

My family is lucky I was born so smart. Every time my Dad is struggling at work, he always turns to me when he needs to get ahead.