My jokes

I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?

Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"

Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.

I hope Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, 'cause I need some parts for my go-cart.

I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.

Someone stole my balls :(

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

My brother when he sees a girl.

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.