My jokes

I like my kids like I like my lamps.

Hung from the ceiling.

I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.

What do you call an autistic My Little Pony?

Twilight Special.

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

My favorite bath bomb is a toaster.

Knock knock, who's there? God.

God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!

My joke is:

My life.

My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

A 14 year old girl finds out she is pregnant. Her: "Crap! My mom is going to kill me!"

The fetus: "lol same here."

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

Today my ex got hit by a bus.

I also lost my job as a bus driver.

I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.

I see a kid crying in the park, right? So I go up to him and say, "Hey, where are your parents?" and he says, "Well, my dad left to get the milk and never came back, and my mother died in a plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle."

So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.

My dad starts laughing at me.

Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”

Me: “Why dad?”

Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”

What does my dad have in common with Nemo?

They both can’t be found.

Girl: Wanna come over to my house?

Orphan: I have to ask if my parents come home.

My wife and I’s gay marriage counselor advised us to watch porn together. So, we decided to try it out one day and search up lesbian shemale porn.

And that’s the day she found out she was a porn star.

I was an orphan as a kid, and I'm pretty sure my favorite thing was seeing parents with their kids.

I think we know why.