My jokes
Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.
Who's a pineapple? I'm a pineapple... Yass.
Teacher and kid.
Kid: Hey, teacher.
Teacher: Yes?
Kid: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Kid: Well, I didn't do my homework!
My brother wanted to sharpen my pencil. I told him he had a point.
Dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
My mom said she wanted to be a comedian when she grows up. So after she was an adult, she had kids. When they were old enough, she told them you could be whatever you want...
I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.
What do you call an autistic My Little Pony?
Twilight Special.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
My joke is:
My life.
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.
No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.
Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!
My friends: Hi to my little friend!
Why is my dick like a balloon?
The more you blow it, the bigger it gets.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
I'm so poor that when people come over to my house, I come out the window and say, "Ding Dong!"
My brother told me he wanted to find a golden apple tree in real life. I told him it was a fruitless mission.
My friend looks like a homeless, thanks for the jokes.
I like my kids like I like my lamps.
Hung from the ceiling.
What’s black and white and dead all over? My Chemical Romance.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...
She was eaten by a giant crab.