My jokes

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?

When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.

When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. I always knew she would come crawling back.

A man goes into Heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa’s clock, it has never moved because she has never lied."

"There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice."

"Where is Donald Trump’s?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

Three men were in a desert. One man was holding a jug, the 2nd was holding a paper bag, and the last was holding a car door. A man came around and asked the 1st why he had a jug. He said it was his water and if he got thirsty, he would take a drink.

Then he asked the second why do you have a paper bag? The guy said this is my packed lunch, so if I get hungry, I will eat my lunch.

Then he asked the last man why he has a car door and he said if he got hot he would roll down the window.

Man: I must confess, Father.

Priest: What are you here to confess?

Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.

Priest: And what happened to your son?

Man: He said a man raped him.

Priest: When and where did this happen?

Man: A local church. I don't know which one.

Priest: ...By whom?

Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.

Priest: ...Shit

Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.

Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”

A police pulls over a Mexican man trying to get into America. The Mexican man comes up with some sob story and the police say, "All right, all right ok," says the police, "I'll let you go if you can come up with a sentence that has the words green, pink, and yellow in it." The Mexican thought about it long and hard for almost 45 minutes and then the police says, "Ok ok let's hear it" after waiting impatiently. The Mexican said, "Ok ok don't rush me. I'm ready." The Mexican replied, "Ok when my phone green green, I pink it up and say Yellow!"

My cock, lmao.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

Josh: Tell me something funny.

Mark: My life.

Y'all, I'm suspended till Wednesday and can't do much cuz I'm on a tablet, not my computer. Tell autterpop I won't be on till Wednesday or after.

My black friend turned off the lights and suddenly disappeared.

My therapist said time heals all wounds. I stabbed him. Now we wait...

My girlfriend has a huge crush on Jupiter, I mean she fell HARD!

What do you call my sister?

Suicidal.

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

Lick my nut.

Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"

"Hee hee touch my pp."

What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

They both can't be found.