My jokes

If Selena Gomez wasn't really single after Justin Bieber dumped her, I would wait for her to come by my house, take her fine ass in my room, close my door, and give her some sex medicine until she masturbates.

I went up to a dude with no arms, pulled out my speaker, and started playing "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands".

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick!

Daughter: Dad, why are you so mean?

Dad: Because you are so mean, that's why.

Daughter: You so get on my nerves.

Dad: I am gonna slap you in your god darn head if you don't shut up.

Daughter: Wow, Dad, you savage.

Dad: 21 SAVAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daughter: Oh my God, I am tellin' Mom that you are doin' that thing again.

I ate the last of my Egyptian food, and now I falafel. I don't know why I made that joke. Probably just becuscus.

My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

Me: Do you like cobble?

My friend: No.

Me: Gobble deez nuts!

Mom, Mom, I'm holding my little brother's hand.

Little Johnny, good! But he's not "bien" yet.

Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,

HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

I’m happy to be with my EA when I go to school.

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.

My sister said she was as fat as a coconut, so I threw one at her and she was right.

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

My asian neighbors dinner.

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

My grandpa died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot.

My wife said if I don't get off the computer, she's gonna slam my head into the keyboard, but I think I'll ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhf.