My jokes

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.

Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."

My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.

But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"

A piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

"Oh, Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"

The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!

What is the difference between runners and my car?

My car is still running.