My jokes

Me and my friend are walking, we see a kid. My friend asks him why he's crying and if he lost his parents. He said, "Yeah." I slapped my friend because we were at an orphanage.

Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.

P.S. My brother made this up when he had no meds... I almost died.

What does ATM stand for?

Answer: Amy’s Terrible Mom.

😂🤣

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

What did the Pokémon say after having sex?

"My ball was sore!"

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

You’re so fine that my zipper is falling for you.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

A piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

"Oh, Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"

The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!