My jokes

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

When I'm chilling and a little kid ruins my moment.

My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.

The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;

When my bro says "YOUR MOM" when I'm talking when I'm at school, and my friend says "YOUR MOM," me punches him;-;

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

Why is my pee pee 2 inches in length but 5 in girth?

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.

One day I was just sitting around when my butthole began to grow larger. It grew and grew and began to engulf the other parts of my body until it swallowed them all. Now I am just a big butthole typing this. Please help me!

My dad and I have been playing hide and seek.

It's been 15 years and I still haven't found him.

"Hippity hoppity, don't abolish my property!"

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. Do you know what he said?

"Get your paws off!" 💩💩💩

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my other girlfriend.

I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.

Do you know what my favorite time of day is?

6:30, hands down.

My dad is nice!

Santa was in my social studies book. He was a redcoat.

What is the difference between a hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.