My jokes

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

My grandfather died at Auschwitz.

Poor fella fell off the guard tower.

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, “May I use the bathroom?”

The teacher replied, “No, not unless you say your alphabet.”

So the boy said, “a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z.”

When he finished, the teacher asked him, “Where’s the p?”

The boy replied, “Half way down my leg...”

What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?

"Billie Jean is not my lover!"

My black friend turned off the lights and suddenly disappeared.

Orphan: Am going to see my mom in the kitchen because they are always in there.

Orphan: Realizes.

I will always remember the last noise I hear in my school, "oogga booga motherf***ers," click, boom!

What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My heart is like a plane.

It crashes every once in a while.

"Immobile" means "I'm mobile" in my books.

It said to submit a joke, and that's what my mom did when I was born.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!

Roses are red, violets are blue, When I see you, I play with my poo.

What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

They both can't be found.

Yo mama so FAT... I tried to picture her in my head... AND SHE BROKE MY GOD DAMN NECK!

My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.