My jokes

Aloneness is not the joke, it's unfortunately my reality.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

The pterodactyl went in my bathroom and peed.

When I was in the shower, I couldn't hear it. Why? Because the "p" is silent.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

I go to get my mail.

Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"

Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"

Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parent's names?"

The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."

The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"

The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother, I am Joking."

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

My 3 year old sister kept saying, "I like your cut, G." Every time she does, I dodge and close my eyes, but she's the one who always ends up running.

5 4 3 2 1. I love the huge bright sun. 5 4 3 2 1. My life has just begun. Though Akeld and Unkown, make me feel alone, they want be dead, and off with my head, and all I said was... NO FRICKIN' HATIN' IN THESE COMMENTS! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Chenle: One time when I was younger, someone asked me how old I was and I forgot. I had to Wikipedia my age to remember.

Jisung: This is the richest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Are you a bullet? 'Cause you're stuck in my head.

When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"

I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.

And then I noticed that my cat was missing.

My friend is gonna release an air strike. There has to be at least 20 confirmed toilet kills.

Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.

A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...

Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???

Child: Both.

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my other girlfriend.

My dad and I have been playing hide and seek.

It's been 15 years and I still haven't found him.

"Hippity hoppity, don't abolish my property!"