My jokes

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat, she said nothing. So I brought her to Africa.

I wish I didn't have depression because all my friends have "BBC Bitch be crazy" disease.

My wife left me and took the kids.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

My black friend turned off the lights and suddenly disappeared.

Why did the orphan like to jump? So they can jump off a bridge to be reunited with their parents.

1 like = 10 more orphans in my basement.

So, I text my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: "Not again brother, I'm only 8."

I broke my ankles so hard I had to walk uphill both ways.

Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?

Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.

Boy: Okay, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Brick.

You're so fat that you're gonna be my next hamburger for dinner and the next In-N-Out, just like your parents.

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

Lemme treat you like I treat my homework: slam you on my desk and do you all night.

My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

Love that dress; it would look much better on my floor, though.

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.