My jokes

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.

Onions was such a good dog!

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

I think one of my dads might be gay.

I regret my abortion.

I didn’t know child labor was an option.

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...

...is that a romantic jester?

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.

Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"

The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."