My jokes

Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."

"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.

"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."

The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"

The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

If R. Kelly was a therapist:

14 year old: I hate my life.

R. Kelly: I feel you.

My granddad died in Auschwitz in WW2...

He fell from a tower.

I keep hearing "Obesity kills."

My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

You're so bald that your hairline is receding faster than my bank account after a trip to Las Vegas.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I wanted my first time to be special.

So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3

My son always said he wanted to skydive, so we went on a plane, and mid-flight, we had to jump out. The only issue is we were on a commercial flight to Arizona.

I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.

What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?

My big green pedo machine.

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

I was listening to some Drake in class.

My teacher shouted to turn it off. She then exclaimed that "Drake is mid and his music is very Pessi!" I didn’t understand the meaning until I checked the dictionary and realised it is a synonym for overrated.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

My name is Ach.

Ach who?

Bless you!

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

Well, at least my adoption fee cost more than you.

Jeffy: "Daddy, Daddy, a monster said it’s gonna poop in your hat!"

Marvin: "I don’t believe that."

Jeffy: "But he said, 'Jeffy, I’m gonna poop in your Daddy’s hat!'"

The next morning,

Jeffy: "Daddy, a monster pooped in your hat!"

*Marvin/Mario looks in his hat*

Marvin: "Jeffy, I don’t believe you, you pooped in my hat!"