My jokes

What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”

I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?

I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.

The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.

Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.

That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.

Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.

Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.

But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

I like my girls like I like my wine.

12 years old and locked in my basement.

Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

What's the difference between a T-Rex and your sister? I can't stick my dick in a dinosaur.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot.

I would make a joke about your mom, but cows are sacred in my country.

Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.

My friend: Why?

Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.

Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.

Are you a wild girl, cause I want to catch you with my pokeballs?

I’m happy to be with my EA when I go to school.

I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."