My jokes

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.

Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; 1 to screw it in, and the other to suck my dick.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.

I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, "Dad, how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big dick?"

Her father replied, "Honey, you should have watched me last night. It was inside my mouth. Does it cycle now?"

Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!

Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!