My Jokes

My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"

My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.

I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."

Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.

Me verses my mother

The image is a side-by-side comparison. On the left, there's a depiction of a fiery figure with an angry face, labeled 'My mom when I break something.' On the right, there's a smiling green figure with floral details, labeled 'My mom when she breaks something.'

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

A boy and his friend were walking down the street.

Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"

Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."

Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."

Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.

He came in twice.

(like if u understand)

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?

They sync properly.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.

Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!