My jokes

My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

Two husbands walk into a bar.

The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.

Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”