My jokes
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.
I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.
My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."
My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.
I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.
An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"
My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"
My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.
I like my dates like I like my wine...
Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.
"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"