My jokes

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Two husbands walk into a bar.

The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"