My jokes

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

Two husbands walk into a bar.

The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; 1 to screw it in, and the other to suck my dick.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.

I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.