My jokes

Are you a keyboard? Cause you're my type.

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

Two husbands walk into a bar.

The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

My name is Joe Biden, and I forgot this message.

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."