My jokes
Popular girl: Sorry I'm late.
Teacher: Why are you late!
Girl: I need my beauty sleep.
Nerd: Well, you might need to hibernate because you ain't pretty.
Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."
Like my daddy? Too bad you don't have one.
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.
I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.
I like my girls like my coffee: Flat and white.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
My I.
May I who?
May I put this pussy on your mouth?
Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.
My girlfriend was born on February 29th, so does that mean she is 2 years old?
My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.
A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.
My balls when I see Tazzaro: boioioioioioing.
Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!
Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!
Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!
Yo, Bloon... what bitch where the fuck my child support camo Bloon? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Pennywise: "They all float down here!"
Titanic: *hold my beer*
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"
Tom raises his mug and says, "Okay, get rid of my tea."
Genie: Poof!
Tom: It didn't work.