My jokes
I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.
Ok, so my brother made this, here it is:
Knock knock. Who's there? Chicken. Chicken who? Chicken garbage!
Ok I know it makes no sense, but he made it when he was like 3.
I asked my dad why a grown man would play Pokémon Go?
He said “Wynaut.”
Me: Hey, how are you?
Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3
Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?
Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.
Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!
Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)
Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!
Me: Ok, and their names?
Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!
Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)
Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.
Me: Ok, see you soon! :3
Me now hates my life. :)
POKEMON THEME SONG JOKE: I wanna be the berry best, like no one ever was.
To bitch them is my real pest, to brain them in my toss. I will gravel across the land, perching war and wide. Fuse Pokemon to under-strand, the lower that's in psyche.
Poke him on! Gotta joke them all it's Fru and me, All I know is my dress tiny, Poke him on! Yeah, you're my pest friend, In a world you must de-blend, Poke him on!
Gotta joke them all my shirts so true, My outrage will flush us through. You bitch me and I ditch you, P-O-K-E-M-O-N!!!
Gotta joke them all, Gotta joke them all!
Poke him on!
Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.
Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.
My sister said that I am a baby, so I said, "Waa, waa."
I like my wife like I like my coffee: so sweet, it gives me headaches.
My girlfriend's name is Candice.
Can these nuts fit in your mouth? :D
I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.
My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔
What do you call my sister?
Suicidal.
I love my grandpa, he killed Hitler.
My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,
It's great being a sniper.
My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.
What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Tesla?
I don’t have a Tesla in my garage.
What's the difference between my ass and the toddlers in my uncle's basement?
My ass doesn't cry when he sticks it in late at night.
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.