My jokes

My [blank] is long and yellow that can't swim.

A school bus full of children.

Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?

Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

Bro, my friend told me all his humor is dead and dry, and I was like, "Just like 9/11 victims."

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mom." "Your mom who?" "It's not your mom, it's my mom!"

I only have 4 moods:

• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you

I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:

• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything

and don't forget the inevitable

• fuck it

and for those who have just given up

• fuck

This is beautiful.

My mum said not to walk the streets because I won't find home the next day. I was an orphan.

I was in math class, and we were learning geometry. My teacher said, "PENTAGON!" then all of a sudden, PENALDO burst into the room! He thought we were talking about PENS, so he came looking for some because he's a finished pen merchant! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my education! 🤬

What's so similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the sperm inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mum is gonna kill me!"

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

Why was it wrong to throw my Chinese friend down the stairs?

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

I wish my dad was home. I haven’t seen him since the shot of 2008.

I got my blind friend a TV... He never uses it.

I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"

I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?