My jokes

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.

Why did my dad leave me and my mum?

I told him it wasn't big enough and then ran off saying, "Daddy, yeeeees!"

Why did my [redacted] a girl because she said, "Uh."

I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were.

Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

Wow, my own joke. Category: I problem won’t remember this.

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

I didn’t realize I had to put jokes into categories, my bad.

Unleash the jokers...👍

1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?

- A bus full of children.

2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

- He died of a yeast infection.

3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...

- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”

4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...

- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...

- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

My dad went to get milk from Tesco’s.

He never came back.

My parents are like the Twin Towers, only one came back.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

I was about to go to sleep, but then I remembered my idol has 0 G/A, and it's mid-November. Thanks, Pessi, for ruining my sleep! 🤬

Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.

Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"