My jokes
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?
They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
When I was very young...
My classmates played a game called kiss chase. Some were really good at catching the girls and then kissing them.
They are rapists now.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!
Knock, knock.
Who is there?
Your Nan.
WHAT? MY NAN IS DEAD!
Are you an orphanage?
Why?
Because I wanna put my kids in you.
My granddad killed Hitler.
Why is my sister so annoying? Because put your own thing in.
My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...
My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.
My hopes and dreams.
My sister is so short she can't walk.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
So I laughed at their chalk outline.
Little Johnny walked in on his mom in the shower and said, "What's that on your chest, Mom?" Mom said, "Those are my headlights." Johnny: "Oh. What's that in between your legs, Mom?" Mom: "Oh, that's my bush." Johnny: "Oh, OK." Next, he walked in on his dad in the shower. He said, "Dad, what's that in between your legs?" Dad: "Oh, that's my snake." Johnny: "Oh, OK." That night, little Johnny walks in on his parents going at it and said, "Mom, turn on his headlights, there's a snake going in your bush!"
I like my wine how I like my women: 7 years old, and locked up in my basement.
My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.
Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.