My jokes

My hopes and dreams.

My sister is so short she can't walk.

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

Little Johnny walked in on his mom in the shower and said, "What's that on your chest, Mom?" Mom said, "Those are my headlights." Johnny: "Oh. What's that in between your legs, Mom?" Mom: "Oh, that's my bush." Johnny: "Oh, OK." Next, he walked in on his dad in the shower. He said, "Dad, what's that in between your legs?" Dad: "Oh, that's my snake." Johnny: "Oh, OK." That night, little Johnny walks in on his parents going at it and said, "Mom, turn on his headlights, there's a snake going in your bush!"

I like my wine how I like my women: 7 years old, and locked up in my basement.

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.

Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"

My Dearest Friend--C'mon, RickRoll ;)

EVERYONE:

"My boyfriend, Danny, broke up with me. Can some hot guy come, so I can interview them and see if they wanna date me?"

Did I ever tell you my father should have been on the plane that crashed into the Twin Towers?

But that's just my opinion.

Popular girl: Sorry I'm late.

Teacher: Why are you late!

Girl: I need my beauty sleep.

Nerd: Well, you might need to hibernate because you ain't pretty.

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "Johnny, do you pray before you eat?" Little Johnny says, "I don't need to, my mum makes good food."

Like my daddy? Too bad you don't have one.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.

I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.