My jokes

If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.

What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?

Nemo was eventually found.

One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."

I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.

My grandpa kept warning the people on the Titanic that the boat was going to sink. Result: he got kicked out of the movie theater.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I wrote a few jokes:

What does a 15-year-old boy do without two hands when his parents are not at home? Well, obviously do not jerk off.

Yesterday a girl from my job invited me to her home and there I had crazy sex. I could not think that her mother is so hot.

What will happen the morning after the destruction of humanity? Duncan MacLeod makes himself breakfast.

"Know, know how there."

"Lesh, lesh how can you at lesh remember my name?"

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."

Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.

My bitch as flat as her grannie's heartbeat.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

This is nothing to do with 9/11, but this is my best joke.

What do you call a Paki in a microwave?

Pting pting pting.

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

I hate the 9/11 jokes; my dad and grandpa were killed.

My dad was one hell of a pilot.

Grandpa was a hell of a planner.

You never think of how people will react to an event. My friend gets discounts at any store he goes to.

So my depressed friend wanted to high-five the tree by the cemetery.

The tree left him hanging though.

I will remember my classmate's last words: "Ahh, my pen's ink spilled on my computer!"

I remember my son's last words: "I stubbed my toe!"