My jokes
Your hairline jokes are so bad that they make me want to rip all my hair out.
The police: Pull over!
The kid: Do you know who my dad is?
The police: What, your mom did not tell you?
My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
I got a GTR yesterday, now my kids say, "GTR we there yet?"
Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password. Me: I don't have a password. So you *won't* have a d*ck after I tear it off you.
I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"
After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.
To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.
I wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor. I need some parts for my laptop.
My grandma just died from cancer.
My last words to her were “I like your cut, G.”
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"
A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"
Me, an orphan: *laughing at orphan jokes*
Some person: Stop laughing, it's sad to laugh at your pain.
Me, an orphan: That's the funny part, what am I going to do, tell my parents?
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Your so fat, my sister said. I said, "So at least I ain't fatter than your momma."
What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."
Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.
What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"
My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.
So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"