My jokes

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.

My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"

Me: "Where?"

Friend: "In front of me."

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.

I am Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are HeHee.

Man: Can you be my girlfriend?

Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.

Man: Oh, here's your rope.

Michael Jackson goes to his favorite bakery and says to the workers, "This is my favorite baker, hehe."

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."

A kid calls out for his mom one day while he is in the tub and says, "Mom come quick! I'm walking on water!"

And the mom runs in and says, "I knew evon whatent yo daddy! I ain't never slept with him a day my life!"

My mom said, "Hey, come over here."

I responded, "Too late, Mom!"

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

Everyone makes mistakes. Like my mom, she made a mistake 13 years ago.

If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."

I hated getting bullied in school because I could never stand up for myself.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

I got jealous when my phone dies.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.