My jokes

My dog stepped on a bee, My child spilt my tea, I drank my hot tea, I broke my bloody knee, Now I'm lying in agony, And I'm devastated with no glee.

(Again, credits to my really funny friend)

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

My friends' titties are bigger than my sakuras.

I swear every time I walk past a guy, they stare at my ass. I always keep wondering why it hurts so much.

The cold winter night, there was a cabin in the woods. The cabin housed 3 men. The men were gay but they did not know.

Fili: "Fili." Kili: "And Kili." Fili and Kili: "At your service." Kili: "You must be Mr. Baggins." Bilbo: "No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house." Kili: "What?! Has it been canceled?" Fili: "No one told us." Bilbo: "Can...! No, nothing’s been canceled." Kili: "That’s a relief." Fili: "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened." Kili: "It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?" Bilbo: "Uh...no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?" Dwalin: "Fili, Ki­li, come on, give us a hand." Kili: "Mr. Dwalin." Balin: "Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in." Bilbo: "Ev...everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If...if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" One of the Dwarves: "Get off, you big lump!"

Then the men only had one seat they had in the cabin. It was a bar seat. they were able to flip it upside down and fit all of them on it.

I’m literally scratching my itchy balls right now.

The sexy towers are just like my sexy toes because when I crashed a plane into the tower, it burned and bled.

My balls are high, just like the towers, but when something impales them, they begin to sag.

What are three things the Twin Towers have in common with my dad? They are big, sexy, and smashed your mom.

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.

Roses are red, violets are violet,

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot!

My older sister said she was gonna shoot herself, so I did it for her.

Lemme just say one thing:

Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.

I worry about him sometimes.

Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.

What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?

They both broke and everybody cried.

My tower is hard, but after six minutes, it fell over.