My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"
I told him, "Probably a bullet."
My Jokes
Your hairline had to "Fahrt" cuz my ass IS your hairline.
My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..
They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.
I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.
My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."
Her: Eat my ass!
Me: Yes, chef!
"Hey, don’t take my toy! What are you going to tell your parents?"
Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.
Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
Kid: Mom! You lied to me!
Mom: When?
Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!
Mom: Sooo?
Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?
Mom: WHAT!!!??!!
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!
So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.
"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"
"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"
And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:
"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"
Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"
Organise my brother's bucks party and got confused when he asked for a hot 22 year old for I brought him 20 two yr Olds....
Good thing my brother's a little bit different.
My grandma stubbed her toe in an elevator on September 21st.
Literally every movie:
"I love you." "I love you, too."
My life:
My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶
One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.
She asked me, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."
What is the only video game to be ever made in Africa?
Where's My Water?
I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.
Person 1: Omg, my blind boyfriend cheated on me.
Person 2: What did you expect? Him to see other hoes...
I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.
I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.
What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.
