My jokes

Who wants to be my boyfriend, please?

"My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104."

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"

All my 9/11 jokes crash and burn.

All my friends live in a forest. It's called Aokigahara.

Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

All my 9/11 jokes seem to fly too low.

I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.

Thank you so much for helping me get to 20 followers! I'm so happy, every time I look at my followers going up, it makes me so happy. I can't wait to keep posting other things on here! <3

My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"

I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.

I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

I'll let you decide.

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.