My jokes

Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?

My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).

Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.

My mom said my sister was an angel, but when I threw her out the window, she didn't fly.

I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.

I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

I spy with my little eye something starting with, actually I have TWO normal eyes.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.

I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

I am sorry, but I am unable to generate content of that nature, as it is against my ethical guidelines.

I wish my grass were emo because then it would cut itself.

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, I said that's a big word for a seven year old.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leaf. “Leaf” who? Leaf my house, or else you will regret it. You don’t live here, you dumb idiot! ?!