Murder

Murder jokes

Funeral

    • Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

    Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

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    • Saw

    • A retarded kid sees a murderer chopping up his latest victim with a saw. The retarded kid yells, "Seesaw!" because he sees a saw.

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    • Circle

    • You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

    Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

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    • Murder memes

    Lore

    • Ok, so let me tell y'all the lore. Basically, what happened was there's these mfs called Rhys and a guy named Mobrur. Mobrur is a fish basically from Bangladesh and Israel, so he's just a fish because he's Netanyahu's cousin, and Liam is from Australia; he's just a white piece of crap.

    Basically, what happened was they knocked up each other because they were drunk and jumping on Netanyahu's beer belly, and it was all just a mess. Rhys is trying to get child support and half property from Fish, but he won't give it because he is nasty and claiming what isn't his, and he said, "No one likes you." So to summarize it, he killed him and is in jail now.

    And there he met Mooha and he turned straight, Alhamdulillah! EVERYONE SAY ALHAMDULILLAH! He became straight, then Mooha got knocked up in prison and the guards beat them and they died.

    Van

    • Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

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    • Bullet

    • What’s the difference between a police man and a bullet?

    At least when a bullet kills someone, it’s actually fired.

    Calendar

    • Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

    Spiderman: "Yes."

    Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

    Spiderman: "Why?"

    Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

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    • Body

    • Where's the best place to hide a body? In the second page of Google search results.

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    • Crime

    • If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

    Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

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    • Police

    • Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...

    I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...

    He could have married her!

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    • Doctor

    • Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.

    So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!

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