Q:how can you tell if a vampire is sick

A:By how much hes coffin

I’ve always been suicidal ,some might say why haven’t I actually done the act ,I’ll just say well I hate myself to much so I though I stay around for the punishment of staying alive

A teacher says “if you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars how much do you have” Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front but the teacher called on her anyway. The girl said. “ My parents left me so I would have one dollar.”

what con you say both at a funeral and during sex???

this whould be much better if you where alive

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer but they only had 2 dollars each. Christopher got an idea and run away to the butcher and see if he got something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

• Are you crazy?! Said Tony to Christopher. ‘We don’t have any money!’
• Take it easy now, said Christopher. 'I have a plan.' When they finnished drink everything up christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth. The bartender saw what they did and throw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub. After the 10th pub said Tony: I can’t do this anymore. I am drunk and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk.
• How do you think i feel? Said Christopher exhausted. ’ I dropped the sausage in the 3th pub!’

how did you get sally into a blender? -without much resistance how do you get sally out of a blender? -tortilla chips

Why Did The Orphans Like Church So Much? So They Had Someone To Call Father…

What’s worse than depression & suicide? Easy : LIVING Everyday you wish you were dead but than reality hits u in the face that your still alive and has to suffer living Pretend or not pretend we have to decide everyday even if we don’t pretend no onw will notice :) no one ever does :) Living is the problem to everything we get depression cuz of it and so much why can’t we just die :) ?

Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?

Because they are really good at saving.

My young son saw trump on TV he asked “Why is the man on TV painted orange?” I replied “Son when Russia pays that much for equipment, They don’t want it to rust”

Why do French like to eat snails so much?

They can’t stand fast food.

I don’t have much motivation for things that’s why i haven’t yet killed myself hehe

Q. How much cum does a gay guy have A. A butt load

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, “her life.”

Some people ask why jokes exist, I say when a mommy and daddy love each other very much they have sex and they make another one of you

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

You can easily outrun a midget because they have to run twice as much as you do

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” the man asks. “I’m going down to give blood.” “How much do you get paid for giving blood?” “About $30.” “Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.” The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. “Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?” “Sperm bank,” she mumbles with her mouth full.

I DIDNT FART MY ASS LIKES YOU SO MUCH IT JUST BLEW YOU A KISS!