Mortality jokes

If you give a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a couple of hours, but if you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life :)

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

I wish death was in the form of a woman.

That way, it would never come for me.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?

Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

Why did the Emo Chicken cross the road?

To get hit by a car.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Bro told me this when he passed away.

I’m “Fading.”

"Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because everyone's dying to get in!"

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

85% of us are good at school, while the other 15% is good at suicide.

(Teach me your ways, 15%.)

Ever had that feeling that suicidal people are a big contributor to the razor blade industry?

Well, they aren't.

Why?

They aren't repeated customers.

Chuck Norris died, but Death was too afraid to tell him.

Name 1 way to decrease overpopulation:

Get rid of all the suicide prevention lines so the suicidal people can kill themselves.

Why did the mailman die?

'Cause everyone dies.

God: You're gonna have 2 parents.

Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.

How are you and an orphan similar?

Both of your fathers are invisible.

Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.