85% of us are good at school, while the other 15% is good at suicide.
(Teach me your ways, 15%.)
Ever had that feeling that suicidal people are a big contributor to the razor blade industry?
Well, they aren't.
Why?
They aren't repeated customers.
Chuck Norris died, but Death was too afraid to tell him.
Name 1 way to decrease overpopulation:
Get rid of all the suicide prevention lines so the suicidal people can kill themselves.
Why did the mailman die?
'Cause everyone dies.
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
How are you and an orphan similar?
Both of your fathers are invisible.
Sometimes I get jealous when I see a gravestone.
Life is like a box of chocolates... It ends sooner for fat people.
Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!
I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
Wanna see a mistake go on camera and take a pic of you?
The cemetery is so crowded, people are just dying to get in.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Yo mama so old, her photos are in a museum and her friends are in a graveyard.
You're so skinny, death mistook you for dead.
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”
Kid: “Whatever!”
Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”
Kid: “Doesn't matter!”
Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”
Kid: “Oh well!”
Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”
Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for hours.
Light the man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
