Life is like a box of chocolates... It ends sooner for fat people.
Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!
I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
The cemetery is so crowded, people are just dying to get in.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
You're so skinny, death mistook you for dead.
Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”
Kid: “Whatever!”
Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”
Kid: “Doesn't matter!”
Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”
Kid: “Oh well!”
Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”
Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for hours.
Light the man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"
Me: "To reduce the population by one."
When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
I'm dying... sike, I lied. You thought I died!
What does Michael Jackson have in common with Kmart?
They're both dead...
Cemeteries are so popular! People are, like... dying to get there.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.
