Mortality jokes
Life is like a box of chocolates... It ends sooner for fat people.
What do children with cancer and Russian soldiers have in common? Their life doesn't last long.
Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!
I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
Wanna see a mistake go on camera and take a pic of you?
The cemetery is so crowded, people are just dying to get in.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Yo mama so old, her photos are in a museum and her friends are in a graveyard.
You're so skinny, death mistook you for dead.
Dark humor is like food:
Not everyone gets it.
Or a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”
Kid: “Whatever!”
Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”
Kid: “Doesn't matter!”
Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”
Kid: “Oh well!”
Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”
Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for hours.
Light the man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"
Me: "To reduce the population by one."
When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.