You're so skinny, death mistook you for dead.
The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.
That’s like 20 years from now, I said.
He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.
Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”
Kid: “Whatever!”
Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”
Kid: “Doesn't matter!”
Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”
Kid: “Oh well!”
Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”
Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for hours.
Light the man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"
Me: "To reduce the population by one."
When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
I'm dying... sike, I lied. You thought I died!
What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"
Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"
What does Michael Jackson have in common with Kmart?
They're both dead...
Cemeteries are so popular! People are, like... dying to get there.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, that’s why I laugh so much.
Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!
What’s the best way to get people to remember your birthday? Kill yourself.
What do you call a graveyard full of disabled people?
A cabbage patch.
