Morbid jokes
Duck my sick.
What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.
Why did Jack throw his alarm clock out the window?
Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who was accused of knife-raping his wife.
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.
25 at a time.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
"What happens when an Asian man runs into a brick wall?"
"A broken nose."
What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?
A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.
What do you call a bunch of people near each other?
The start of the Hollacoast.
What did the North tower say to the south tower? "Sorry, can't talk, got to catch a plane."
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Me, myself, and I.
What do you call a snail without a shell?
Dead.
What’s the coolest thing about having a 12 year old friend...
You get to meet Chris Hansen!
I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.
We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.
Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.
Wanna hear some famous last words?
"We are just experiencing some turbulence."
What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.