My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
Morbid Jokes
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
Duck my sick.
What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.
Why did Jack throw his alarm clock out the window?
Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who was accused of knife-raping his wife.
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.
25 at a time.
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
"What happens when an Asian man runs into a brick wall?"
"A broken nose."
What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?
A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.
What do you call a bunch of people near each other?
The start of the Hollacoast.
What did the North tower say to the south tower? "Sorry, can't talk, got to catch a plane."
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
Me, myself, and I.
What do you call a snail without a shell?
Dead.
