Morbid jokes
What do you call a bullet head?
JFK.
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.
What's the best part about having emo grass?
It cuts itself!
Religion... That is all.
Why is 7 afraid of 6?
Because 7 is a vegetarian and 6 is a cannibal.
"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"
Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
You are the joke.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Infinite because feminists can't solve problems.
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?
Finger-food.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
Duck my sick.
What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.