Morbid jokes

A man and a cow walk into a McDonalds, and the man walks up to the front counter and says, “I’d like one beef burger.” The employee of McDonalds said, “Sure thing sir, also I really like to see your cow, may I bring him into the back room really quick to show my co-workers?” The man says, “Sure.” The employee takes the cow into the back room. A couple minutes later, the employee came back with his burger. The man took a bite of it, and realized his cow was gone.

I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.

What's a rapist's favorite scale?

C Minor.

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.

Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?

Really?

Well, the one I fucked did.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

what do you call a retard smoking weed?

a baked potato.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck if my computer crashes.

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

You give them a Sandy Hook.

What do you call a mariachi band sinking in Mayonnaise?

Cinco De Mayo.

What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?

They both make terrible hunters.

What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

I love going to Hooters and looking at the menu... If you know what I mean;)