Money jokes

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a snowbank.

What wastes your money as you earn it?

Women.

You're so ugly whenever you say hi, people walk away and say that you were too ugly, and they go take a bath right away because you're so stinky.

They say that you look like your mama. Wait, your mama must be just like you because I can see her way from a mile!

You say you put on perfume, but every time I smell you, you smell like poo-poo. You're so ugly that when your mom looks in the mirror, you cry. You're so stupid the second-grade teacher had to tell you to go all the way to kindergarten. Head Start is every grade below you. You can't even go to the 20th grade, which stands for 9th grade. You can't even go to grocery stores, and people that tell you that you're so ugly give you compliments just to make you feel better. You know that everybody just likes you just because they just don't want to hurt your feelings, so just stay in your mind. Hey, you want to text Matt; you know it was you because every time you see you, you think that you matter. Matter fact, he doesn't even like you; he just wants your money girl. Who even likes you? 😈😈

What does the Bartles and Jaymes wine cooler television ad have in common with ministers who are white Christian nationalists?

They both thank you for your financial support.

Penny.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.

You're so poor that when you walked into an elevator, you thought it was a mobile home.

What does a waiter in a Chinese restaurant call a customer that won't leave a tip? A "plick."

If I had a loonie for every degree I have, I wouldn't have a loonie.

I gun give money.

I don’t have enough money to buy cheese, could you provolone me some money?

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

Why do Jews suck at mugging?

Because all they ask for is the spare change in your pockets.

I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.

Your wife dumped you because you are so poor and you are so ugly. You also live under a rock and have no money. You got dumped so hard you can't remember you got dumped.

"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."

Ok.

"Thank you, what is your wish?"

I wish for my 5 cents back.

I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......

It’s a wood hulem.