Money jokes
What’s the difference between chocolate and people?
You can’t buy people nowadays.
It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.
And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.
What is money called on the moon?
Mooney.
My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.
Yo, Bloon... what bitch where the fuck my child support camo Bloon? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What did The Notorious B.I.G. say to the cow?
- MOO MONEY MOO PROBLEMS
A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"
She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.
He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"
ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG
Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.
Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.
Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.
I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.
Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snowbank.
What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have 2 dollars and a bunch of counterfeits.
A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"
"HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.
"No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"
"Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"
Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."
I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.
I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.
What happened when the American broke his arm?
He went broke.
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says, "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
This guy goes to a bar and pulls out a little guy playing the piano. The bartender asks him where he got a small man with a piano.
The guy points outside to a genie granting people wishes. The bartender runs out and 1 million ducks appear.
The bartender yells at the genie saying, “Are you fucking deaf? I asked for 1 million bucks, not 1 million bucks!”
The guy from the bar says, “No shit! You think I really asked for a 12-inch pianist?”
Yo mama's so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.
A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.
For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.
I just came across a pile of cash in the parking lot.
Usually I just use tissues.