Misunderstanding jokes

Three girls were lined up for execution. The black-haired one, being the smart one, turned around and yelled, "Tornado!"

Everyone panicked, and she escaped. The red-headed one, following her example, shouted as the executioners got back, "Hurricane!"

The red-headed friend escaped too. Now, it was the blonde's turn. Following both her friends, she turned to the executioners and yelled:

"Fire!"

My girlfriend said I was a ped0phi1e.

That's a big word for a 6 year old!

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine? Anyone know what he means?

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).

A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”

My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?

Your mum is so fat, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

I tried to tell an Armenian genocide joke in Istanbul.

Nobody got it.

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

Well, I saw a stripper, and she was trying out bread.

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

Even though I look completely white, I am apparently 70% black!

Until I realized that it was a mouth swab test.

Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”

No? Shame, it was real fun.

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

I think Kobe misunderstood the 6-ft rule.

Yo momma so stupid that she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

Hahahahaha......... Autism.

What did the autistic man order at McDonald’s?

Ass Burgers.

Yo Mama is so dumb, she stares at a juice carton for an eternity because it says "Concentrate" on the box.