Misunderstanding Jokes

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

DUDE all Hitler ask for was a glass of juice, but every one misheard him.

my friend asks me what does idk mean i said i dion't knowm my friend says you mean i don't know i said thats what i said

I tell a man get me a glock 19 he comes back with a glove i was about to shout at him but then i saw a pistol in his pocket so i left and thanked him

The image shows Ernie and Bert. Bert is covered in some white substance. The text says, "Ernie misunderstood Bert's request for 5 guys on his birthday."

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

Person 1 " I love KFC" Person 2 "yeah, me too!" Person 1 " How many have you gotten?" Person 2 " How am I supposed too remember how many buckets of chicken I have ordered!?" Person 1 " Chicken? What chicken, what do you think KFC stands for?" Person 2 "? Kentucky Fried Chicken?" Person 1 " What? I thought it meant kidnapping foster children." Person 2 " BLOODY WHATT??"

A man walked into the kitchen and asked his blonde wife, what she was doing, she said, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle, it's supposed to be a tiger but all of the pieces are brown." Her husband then said, "honey those are frosted flakes."

Stephen Hawkins died because his wife misunderstood him when he said "My Windows Needs Updating" she had the double glazing removed and he fell out and died.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read “its a bumpy road but soon u will have a straight path.” People didnt realize it was meant for his heart monitor. Lol

A 60 year old man said his wife called him a paedophile the other day, strong words for a 6 year old

When the autistic kid brings a gun to school and thinks it’s a dart gun

Once there was a kid named Cale. But his classmates didn’t know it was spelled with a C so they asked him if he could be there snack

i gave the blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer

Jack: Hey Josh! Josh: What? Jack: Sex Josh: Huh? Jack: SEX!! Josh: I Don't Get It Jack: Exactly ;)

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

One day, I'm going to Malta to a big hotel. In the morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tell the waitress I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her I want a piece. She says, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You don't understand. I want a piece on my plate." She says, "You better not piss on your plate, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.

I don't need this shit!!

Later, I go to eat at the big restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fork. I tell her I wanted a fork. She tells me everyone wanna fuck. I say, "You don't understand, I want a fork on my table." She says, "You better not fuck on the table, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.

I don't need this shit!

So, I go back to my room in a hotel, and there are no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him I want a sheet. He tells me, go to the toilet. I say, "You don't understand, I want a sheet on my bed." He says, "You better not shit on my bed, you son of a bitch."

I go to the checkout, and the man at the desk says, 'Peace on you.' I say, 'Piss on you too, you son of a bitch. I'm going back to Italia. Arrivederci!'

I don't need this shit!

Moral of the story, don't go to Australia with a Korean accent.