Military jokes
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
During WWI and WWII, the infantry would use shovels as weapons and to dig trenches. I bet they really dig that weapon!
Where does Caesar keep his armies?
Up his sleavies.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
What did the soldier say when he sees a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?
That number is how many dicks you suck.
What's long, black and full of seamen? A submarine.
The point of war is not to die for your country, but to make the fresh recruit on the enemy's side die for his.
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
School is a lot like boot camp. The only difference is that you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
How do you become with NATO? Promise no more world wars by secretly performing military practices behind their back.
Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.
Q: What do Mexicans love to wear in the air force?
A: Air Force Juans.
There was an enemy with a machine gun.
My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."
So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
What is your arm's favorite military branch? The army.
My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.