Military jokes
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
Why is the Navy gay?
There all seamen.
What do you call the 10th hole on a military golf course?
Ten-putt!
IX + X = XXI. So XXI is two legions into one.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
During WWI and WWII, the infantry would use shovels as weapons and to dig trenches. I bet they really dig that weapon!
Where does Caesar keep his armies?
Up his sleavies.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
What did the soldier say when he sees a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?
That number is how many dicks you suck.
What's long, black and full of seamen? A submarine.
The point of war is not to die for your country, but to make the fresh recruit on the enemy's side die for his.
*Loud explosion inside the tank*
"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
School is a lot like boot camp. The only difference is that you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
How do you become with NATO? Promise no more world wars by secretly performing military practices behind their back.