Military jokes
What's the difference between a terrorist base and an elementary school?
— Don't ask me. How should I know? I'm just the drone pilot.
Drop me in Afghanistan with a cigar, a Kobe jersey, a MAC-10, a Lambo Huracan with a bumper delete, and a Toyota Tacoma with an M249 on the back. Then I'll have Afghanistan as the 51st state by midnight.
Drop me in Afghanistan with a Dodge Challenger Super Stock, a Mexican named Jose, a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper, a golden SCAR, a pack of chimichangas, and an M4A1, and I'll have the Taliban saying the Pledge of Allegiance in 4 hours.
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
My grandpa died during World War II. He was the best concentration camp guard they have ever seen. RIP.
I once had an emo friend doing a course for the marines. He made the cut.
Q: What comes before 47?
A: AK
My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.
"Our all-transgender brigade has suffered heavy casualties!"
"What? We haven’t even sent them to fight!"
"They’ve already lost 30% of the unit!"
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
What do you call 6 gay men going to war?
Rainbow 6 Siege.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
Officer: "Stay back soldiers, minefield!"
Soldier: "Let's clear the field!"
Officer: "Ok!"
*silence*
*explosion*
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Why did the Drill Sergeant get in trouble?
He got caught playing with his Privates!
Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.
I took my mother-in-law out today...
I love being a sniper.
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.