I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Military Jokes
Why did the Drill Sergeant get in trouble?
He got caught playing with his Privates!
Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.
I took my mother-in-law out today...
I love being a sniper.
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
What's the difference between a terrorist base and an elementary school?
I don't know, I'm just the drone pilot.
My friend is gonna release an air strike. There has to be at least 20 confirmed toilet kills.
What can't a sniper say to his wife?
"I missed you."
Why don't Japanese people like iPhones?
Because they are afraid of American airdrops.
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
Damn, I love being a sniper.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.
What do you call an autistic kid with a glock?
Special forces.
Btw, I'm 13.
Why can't we see a camel?
Because it's camelflauged!
Why couldn't an orphan use a fighter jet?
Because he couldn't use the homing missiles.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."
When you're in the war and you die and say to God, "Where is the gulag?"
My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.
