A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
My grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology." I said, "We will see about that," and I unplugged his life support.
Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. đ
A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"
(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)
What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?
The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: âWell, I hope you like changing diapers!â
She replies: âOh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?â
To which he responds: âNo, youâve got bowel cancer.â
Why do they have air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep all the vegetables fresh.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
Patient: âDoctor, my bottom hurts.â
Doctor: âCan you tell me exactly where it hurts?â
Patient: âRight around the entrance.â
Doctor: âAs long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.â
Whatâs the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?
The doctor doesnât enjoy giving physicals.
